There comes a time when every parent struggles with how best to discipline their child. Whether dealing with a screaming toddler or an angry teen, it can be hard to control your temper. No parent wants to find themselves in such a situation and the bottom line is that shouting and physical violence never help.<\/p>\n
Thankfully, there are other, more effective ways and one of them is positive discipline. We consulted Lucie Cluver, Oxford University professor of Child and Family Social Work and mother of two young boys, to explore how the approach can help parents build positive relationships with their children and teach skills like responsibility, cooperation and self-discipline.<\/p>\n
Why positive discipline<\/strong>?<\/p>\n \u201cParents don’t want to shout or hit their kids. We do it because we’re stressed and don’t see another way,\u201d says Professor Cluver.<\/p>\n The evidence is clear: shouting and hitting simply do not work and can do more harm than good in the long run. Repeated shouting and hitting can even adversely impact a child\u2019s entire life. The continued \u201ctoxic stress\u201d it creates can lead to a host of negative outcomes like higher chances of school dropout, depression, drug use, suicide and heart disease.<\/p>\n \u201cIt\u2019s like saying: here’s this medicine, it’s not going to help you and it’s going to make you sick,\u201d says Professor Cluver. \u201cWhen we know something doesn’t work, that’s a pretty good reason to look for a different approach.\u201d<\/p>\n Rather than punishment and what not to do, the positive discipline approach puts an emphasis on developing a healthy relationship with your child and setting expectations around behaviour. The good news for every parent is it works and here\u2019s how you can start putting it into practice:<\/p>\n \n 1. Plan 1-on-1 time<\/strong><\/p>\n One-on-one time is important for building any good relationship and even more so with your children. \u201cIt can be 20 minutes a day. Or even 5 minutes. You can combine it with something like washing dishes together while you sing a song or chatting while you’re hanging out the washing,\u201d says Professor Cluver. \u201cWhat’s really important is that you focus on your child. So, you turn your TV off, you turn your phone off, you get to their level and it’s you and them.\u201d<\/p>\n 2. Praise the positives<\/strong><\/p>\n As parents we often focus on our children\u2019s bad behaviour and call it out. Children may read this as a way to get your attention, perpetuating poor conduct rather than putting a stop to it.<\/p>\n Children thrive on praise. It makes them feel loved and special. \u201cWatch out for when they’re doing something good and praise them, even if that thing is just playing for five minutes with their sibling,\u201d recommends Professor Cluver. \u201cThis can encourage good behaviour and reduce the need for discipline.\u201d<\/p>\n 3. Set clear expectations<\/strong><\/p>\n \u201cTelling your child exactly what you want them to do is much more effective than telling them what not to do,\u201d says Professor Cluver. \u201cWhen you ask a child to not make a mess, or to be good, they don’t necessarily understand what they’re required to do.\u201d Clear instructions like \u201cPlease pick up all of your toys and put them in the box\u201d set a clear expectation and increase the likelihood that they’ll do what you\u2019re asking.<\/p>\n \u201cBut it’s important to set realistic expectations. Asking them to stay quiet for a whole day may not be as manageable as asking for 10 minutes of quiet time while you have a phone call,\u201d says Professor Cluver. \u201cYou know what your child is capable of. But if you ask for the impossible, they are going to fail.\u201d<\/p>\n 4. Distract creatively<\/strong><\/p>\n When your child is being difficult, distracting them with a more positive activity can be a useful strategy says Professor Cluver. \u201cWhen you distract them towards something else \u2013 by changing the topic, introducing a game, leading them into another room, or going for a walk, you can successfully divert their energy towards positive behaviour.\u201d<\/p>\n Timing is also crucial. Distraction is also about spotting when things are about to go wrong and taking action. Being mindful of when your child is starting to become fidgety, irritable or annoyed, or when two siblings are eyeing the same toy, can help diffuse a potential situation before it becomes one.<\/p>\n 5. Use calm consequences<\/strong><\/p>\n Part of growing up is learning that if you do something, something can happen as a result. Defining this for your child is a simple process that encourages better behaviour while teaching them about responsibility.<\/p>\n Give your child a chance to do the right thing by explaining the consequences of their bad behaviour. As an example, if you want your child to stop scribbling on the walls, you can tell them to stop or else you will end their play time. This provides them with a warning and an opportunity to change their behaviour.<\/p>\n If they don\u2019t stop, follow through with the consequences calmly and without showing anger, \u201cand give yourself credit for that \u2013 it\u2019s not easy!\u201d adds Professor Cluver.<\/p>\n If they do stop, give them lots of praise for it, recommends Professor Cluver. \u201cWhat you are doing is creating a positive feedback loop for your child. Calm consequences have been shown to be effective for kids to learn about what happens when they behave badly.\u201d<\/p>\n Being consistent is a key factor in positive parenting, which is why following through with the consequences is important. And so is making them realistic. \u201cYou can take a teenager’s phone away for an hour but taking it away for a week might be difficult to follow through on.\u201d<\/p>\n Engaging with younger children<\/strong><\/p>\n One-on-one time can be fun \u2013 and it\u2019s completely free! \u201cYou can copy their expressions, bang spoons against pots, or sing together,\u201d adds Professor Cluver. \u201cThere\u2019s amazing research showing that playing with your children boosts their brain development.\u201d<\/p>\n Engaging with older children<\/strong><\/p>\n Like younger children, teenagers seek praise and want to be thought of as good. One-on-one time is still important to them. \u201cThey love it if you dance around the room with them or engage in a conversation about their favourite singer,\u201d says Professor Cluver. \u201cThey may not always show it, but they do. And, it’s an effective way of building a relationship on their terms.\u201d<\/p>\n While setting expectations, \u201cask them to help make some of the rules,\u201d suggests Professor Cluver. \u201cSit them down and try to agree on the household dos and don’ts. They can also help decide what the consequences for unacceptable behaviour will be. Being involved in the process helps them<\/p>\n know that you understand they’re becoming their own independent beings.\u201d<\/p>\n \n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" There comes a time when every parent struggles with how best to discipline their child. Whether dealing with a screaming toddler or an angry teen, it can be hard to<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":12212,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[288],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-12216","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-articles-studies"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mindsforcommunity.org\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12216","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mindsforcommunity.org\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mindsforcommunity.org\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mindsforcommunity.org\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mindsforcommunity.org\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=12216"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/mindsforcommunity.org\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12216\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":12218,"href":"https:\/\/mindsforcommunity.org\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/12216\/revisions\/12218"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mindsforcommunity.org\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/12212"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mindsforcommunity.org\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=12216"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mindsforcommunity.org\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=12216"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mindsforcommunity.org\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=12216"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}